If you're in Pattaya, go to scb bank in the Big C complex on corner of South Pattaya and sukomvit road. They will open one for you without a phony insurance!
Pack your belongings, buy a ticket and head to the airport. Pay your fine at immigration, get stamped out and fly home. After a bit more then a year you can come back.
sounds more like a dislocated vertebrae in your back or a dislocated rib. Try to rub the whole area with Diclofenac gel. It should get better after a few days. AND by all means, don't rub it with a hot cream right now. If you can locate a dislocated vertebrae then you could use some hot cream just on that vertebrae before going to bed.