Print out some ad for a 30 million baht pool villa and set up a fake email pretending to be the seller and produce some purchase process correspondence between yourselves. Print, bring to bank, and they'll fall over themselves trying to give you an account. As an extra, the clerk might even wanna be your gf (until she realizes the only villa you'll ever buy is v-an-illa.
I got a secured credit card (not a shitty debit card that offers little fraud exposure protection) from Bangkok Bank by simply opening a fixed deposit account (I put 1m into mine so that's my limit) and pay off the card by direct deduction from my other, regular savings account.
Buy a Scot-e-vest online. I can fit almost 10kg into the gazillion ockets and the vest is designed so that it is not visible how much shit is in the pockets