Try the OA visa. The first time you apply, the money can be in a UK account as it will be check by the THAI embassy in the UK. You need an inssurance but there are some cheap options. I consider it a visa cost, but at least you leave your money at home for now. You'll need a Thai bank account with the 800k TBH only 3 months before renewing your OA.
obtained with a bribe... and legit doesn't go well together. Yes, your visa can't be differentiated from a legit one at first look, but that doesn't make it legit as a legal term. You're clearly far beyond the grey zone in this case.
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